Hey there loves,
Carter was born Dec 6, 2017 at 36 weeks! He is all good now. He'll be 6 months old on Jun 6 which is absolutely crazy. Time flies so fast when babies are growing!
I'm super tired all the time from lack of sleeping through the night and when I am awake, it is spent cleaning the house. If I let it go for ONE day, all hell breaks loose.
I just wanted to come on here and say hello, even though nobody reads this lol Carter is napping so I have some time to myself right now.
Oh I joined weight watchers but now I actually have to do it lol we'll see how it goes. I just need to do it, not THINK about doing it.
I will update one day in the future who knows. I should make this a regular thing..
Oh yeah I'm going to take a Geology class in the fall. I'm doing it to support a friend but also I love and miss school so I'm happy to go back.
xoxo
Marlena
Monday, May 28, 2018
Friday, October 27, 2017
It's been a long, long time
Hi there Blogger,
It's me Marlena
31 weeks pregnant! So much has happened since I've last checked in. Watching Jane the Virgin has inspired me to write so here I am.
Well, I'm due January 1, 2018. I'm having a baby boy named Carter Moore De Smet. His middle name is after Andrew and Jeremy. Jeremy isn't doing too well with his health so we wanted to make sure we will always remember Derek's dear friends.
So where do I start? I'm so happy and grateful to be pregnant! He kicks me and rolls around in there so much. I just cry sometimes because I feel so lucky after what happened to me. So obstacles: I was extremely nauseous for 18.5 weeks! Everyone would say oh wait until your 2nd trimester you'll feel better..Um I've been in my 2nd trimester for 6 weeks already lol. So I visited my mom in July and I felt so bad because we went out for food a lot and I hardly ate. NOTHING would sound good, and when I did find something I would only eat 2-3 bites then feel sick.
Our house flooded Aug 25, 2017 (well the bathroom/room/hallway) our toilet overflowed and water went everywhere. We had 6 fans and 2 dehumidifiers to try and dry everything. Took 2 weeks to dry and it sent me to the hospital for dehydration and a blocked kidney! My first time in an ambulance and my first overnight stay in a hospital. I had to stay 2 nights. A month later the kidney stone came out. Thank goodness! So 2 months later Oct 23, 2017 we have new laminate hardwood floors and carpet yay!
Then now I get back eating. I can eat again but here comes the 25 week glucose test. I fail. I have Gestational Diabetes. I can't believe it! Now I have to limit my food again.
It's me Marlena
31 weeks pregnant! So much has happened since I've last checked in. Watching Jane the Virgin has inspired me to write so here I am.
Well, I'm due January 1, 2018. I'm having a baby boy named Carter Moore De Smet. His middle name is after Andrew and Jeremy. Jeremy isn't doing too well with his health so we wanted to make sure we will always remember Derek's dear friends.
So where do I start? I'm so happy and grateful to be pregnant! He kicks me and rolls around in there so much. I just cry sometimes because I feel so lucky after what happened to me. So obstacles: I was extremely nauseous for 18.5 weeks! Everyone would say oh wait until your 2nd trimester you'll feel better..Um I've been in my 2nd trimester for 6 weeks already lol. So I visited my mom in July and I felt so bad because we went out for food a lot and I hardly ate. NOTHING would sound good, and when I did find something I would only eat 2-3 bites then feel sick.
Our house flooded Aug 25, 2017 (well the bathroom/room/hallway) our toilet overflowed and water went everywhere. We had 6 fans and 2 dehumidifiers to try and dry everything. Took 2 weeks to dry and it sent me to the hospital for dehydration and a blocked kidney! My first time in an ambulance and my first overnight stay in a hospital. I had to stay 2 nights. A month later the kidney stone came out. Thank goodness! So 2 months later Oct 23, 2017 we have new laminate hardwood floors and carpet yay!
Then now I get back eating. I can eat again but here comes the 25 week glucose test. I fail. I have Gestational Diabetes. I can't believe it! Now I have to limit my food again.
It's so stupid so please bear with me as you read all the stupidity below.
I
knew Gestational Diabetes was going to be hard. I joked and joked with
everyone around about how I'm sad I can't eat my carbs anymore. Little
did I know that it would trigger my eating disorder again. I had been
doing fine for a long time! You know I struggled for a second with the
wedding when I was trying on dresses but I got over it and I was able to
continue my life. I felt great in my dress and I was happy with how my
body was looking. I knew that's how I was going to be and I wasn't 18
anymore.
Having
GD is forcing me back into my old habits of counting
carbs/calories/proteins/etc and reading all the nutrition labels. The
kicker of it all is I have not gained ONE POUND since I've become
pregnant. I was already 3-4 pounds below my pre pregnancy weight and
then to be diagnosed with this, I'm losing even more. In one week from
my first class I lost 3 pounds more. I'm becoming obsessed with losing
weight again, and yelling at people when they suggest eating something
that is "not suitable" in my mind. My doctors say Carter is still
growing but I'm feeling terrible that I'm not giving him enough food.
I'm already feeling like a horrible mom. I think it's lame that other
pregnant people have gained like 60 pounds! Here I am already losing
weight and then they are saying I'm too overweight.
So
then guess what happened? I binged twice during my week and I wrote it
all down in my food journal that I had to turn into the nurse like a
confession. I felt so horrible and ashamed and even cried when we went
over my numbers. This lady who I don't even know suggested I see a
therapist at some point in my life (which isn't a bad idea) because she
sees how much food affects me. I now have to go back in 2 weeks to check
back in with her to see how I'm doing. It's so stupid but one trigger
out of many is from Private Eyes and that stupid Biggest Loser
challenge. When I lost by less than a percent of weight loss, my brain
has been in a never ending cycle of "I'm going to fail so I better
quicken the process". I am a self sabotager. She noticed that in me.
I
am the poster child of "You look too fat to have an eating disorder". I
have an eating disorder and it's back with a vengeance and I don't know
what I'm going to do. I'm terrified to eat right now. I'm terrified of
my numbers being too high on my sugar tests. I'm terrified of writing
down what I eat. I'm terrified of losing weight because I know it's bad
for Carter but I'm terrified of gaining weight because I'm already fat
as it is.
I
don't expect anyone to understand what I'm going through. and no one
has to pretend. Just know I'm really stressed out and depressed right
now and it's hard to get out of bed. I literally want to sleep all day
so that I don't have to face food and make the decision to eat or don't
eat.
So yeah there's that. I'm also anemic. So much is wrong with me but Carter is doing well thank goodness. I have a feeling I'll be induced but I'm kind of looking forward to it since I'll know the exact date and everything. My mom is going to come and stay with us for 2 weeks. It will be so nice and helpful.
I'm nervous to be a mom but I think I can do it. I worry a lot about PPD but I think I can get through it. I HOPE!
Until next time...maybe I'll introduce Carter next time I check in!
Monday, April 3, 2017
New year new you?
Thyroid issues run in my family so I wanted to get mine checked out. My mom and my aunt both have had their removed surgically because of complications. I found out that my grandma had issues with hers as well so by probability, I'm next in line.
I went to the doctor and she had me give some blood samples to be analyzed. She felt my neck and decided a neck ultrasound would be needed as well for good measure.
I got my blood work back. My thyroid level is within normal range however I am vitamin D deficient AND I am prediabetic!
It was and wasn't a shock to me. I mean come on..I'm 5'4", 204 pounds, and do nothing but eat TacoBellMcDonaldsWendysChipotle and watch everything on Netflix without stepping foot outside.
It is definitely a wake up call.
I have joined a Diet Bet again. You bet $35 that you can lose 4% of your weight. I have to lose 8.6 pounds by May 1st. That'll get me to 195.8 pounds.
So now I am on a low carb diet. I am no longer eating starchy carby things. No more. I do not want diabetes. No ma'am.
Today is officially my first day. LORD HELP ME.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
I've had some feedback from a few people saying I should write more.
I do miss it.
I used to write more often as it helps me use my creative energy. Writing my last post was a lot easier because I was literally writing from experience. There was nothing for me to make up or try and imagine in my head. I didn't get stuck, or find the words to write. It came from the heart.
I am doing okay today. Still bleeding but a lot less than it had been in days previous. I had some points today where I felt low and felt numb. I then realized that I will be okay in the end. I will persevere and get through this. I have friends and family who are here to support me and make sure I'll be okay.
Tonight was very fun and just what the doctor ordered. I visited with B for the first time in what feels like forever. We went to Sushi. Let me tell you: it was the best sushi I have had in a long time. I can't decide if it was because I have not had sushi in a long time (I couldn't because I was pregnant) or they just made a really good batch this time. Either way I ate mine so fast I felt bad that my whole roll was gone and she had barely finished her miso soup! We got some chatting in. Our lives are changing in ways we can't understand right now but in time we will get where we need to go.
After sushi we went to this wonderful place that had every type of alcohol you can imagine! I know what you must think, why am I calling this place wonderful? Well you see in my situation, I need to get away from things. Even if it is just for a little bit. We got some whiskey and some rum. We got a quick little potpourri to try out a few new drinks. We had some good music on and just danced it out in the kitchen. That's what we do. We enjoy each other's company while being stupid as hell and not judge each other for it.
We then moved our little party into the living room where I had the brilliant idea of "Hey let's put on Disney music and sing!" I love to sing, even if I suck sometimes. She had some cards out on her table and somehow we decided to shuffle them while singing Beauty and the Beast and Little Mermaid. It probably looked so weird but I think we needed it. You need to just let your inner self come out for a little bit.
I am now home and enjoying writing again. I am in the living room with Kimmy by my side. 2k and Leroy are running about like crazy and Derek is watching Star Trek.
Everything considered, life is good. I would say that I am happy right now. I am sad, but I am happy.
I do miss it.
I used to write more often as it helps me use my creative energy. Writing my last post was a lot easier because I was literally writing from experience. There was nothing for me to make up or try and imagine in my head. I didn't get stuck, or find the words to write. It came from the heart.
I am doing okay today. Still bleeding but a lot less than it had been in days previous. I had some points today where I felt low and felt numb. I then realized that I will be okay in the end. I will persevere and get through this. I have friends and family who are here to support me and make sure I'll be okay.
Tonight was very fun and just what the doctor ordered. I visited with B for the first time in what feels like forever. We went to Sushi. Let me tell you: it was the best sushi I have had in a long time. I can't decide if it was because I have not had sushi in a long time (I couldn't because I was pregnant) or they just made a really good batch this time. Either way I ate mine so fast I felt bad that my whole roll was gone and she had barely finished her miso soup! We got some chatting in. Our lives are changing in ways we can't understand right now but in time we will get where we need to go.
After sushi we went to this wonderful place that had every type of alcohol you can imagine! I know what you must think, why am I calling this place wonderful? Well you see in my situation, I need to get away from things. Even if it is just for a little bit. We got some whiskey and some rum. We got a quick little potpourri to try out a few new drinks. We had some good music on and just danced it out in the kitchen. That's what we do. We enjoy each other's company while being stupid as hell and not judge each other for it.
We then moved our little party into the living room where I had the brilliant idea of "Hey let's put on Disney music and sing!" I love to sing, even if I suck sometimes. She had some cards out on her table and somehow we decided to shuffle them while singing Beauty and the Beast and Little Mermaid. It probably looked so weird but I think we needed it. You need to just let your inner self come out for a little bit.
I am now home and enjoying writing again. I am in the living room with Kimmy by my side. 2k and Leroy are running about like crazy and Derek is watching Star Trek.
Everything considered, life is good. I would say that I am happy right now. I am sad, but I am happy.
This one is very hard to write as I am still in the middle of it.
On December 6, 2016 I checked my calendar app and realized that it was around the time to start my woman's monthly horror. I have never really had regular periods so I was just thinking to myself, "What the heck. Let's just test for the fun of it". I had taken tests many times in my life as a joke. Oh my stomach hurts maybe I'm preggers! Most pregnancy tests have one line that will show up each time and if it is positive, there will be two. Each time I tested there would be no line next to the control line. I had been so used to seeing only one line that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I saw the most very faint line to the right of the control line. Um, what is that? So my palms start to sweat a little. Is this the real thing?
In November or so I had joined a FB group called "Two Weeks and Waiting" That refers to trying to conceive and waiting the two weeks for when your period starts, or doesn't, and you can take a pregnancy test. I posted the picture in the group and everyone agreed that I should test again in a few days. I had bought Dollar Store tests as one test from Walmart or anywhere else would cost upwards of $15! I did as they said and lo and behold: A positive pregnancy test. I even splurged on the $15 digital one and it had a YES+ on it. I have NEVER seen anything like that as I was always negative!
Time to tell Derek. "Hey Derek? Can you look at this please?" He was very shocked and excited as well. We have always planned on having a baby right away. We didn't want to tell anyone because it's superstitious to tell anyone if it's too early. So day by day we are just going on in life with our little secret. I am turning down drinks left and right and trying to take prenatals to help baby grow. We kept tossing names back and forth and teasing at the thought of what if we have twins! The only person I told was my best friend Briana. She was so excited and it was so nice to tell another person other than my husband.
I went to the doctor on December 10th. I gave a urine sample and the doctor confirmed that my urine said I was pregnant! They said to come back in a month because there is nothing they can really do at that time and we made an appointment for January 9th. I quickly downloaded all the pregnancy apps on my iphone to read everyday how my body was changing and see what my baby was looking like. Every morning I would look forward to opening my phone to I could read what was going on. I calculated that Jan 9, I would be around 9 weeks pregnant. Could you believe it?
I left the group of trying to conceive and joined a wonderful group called August Babies 2017. According to my last period, my baby would be due August 12th, 2017. Seeing all the ladies with positive tests was so inspiring and exciting! I was going to have a baby!
For the most part I was having the pregnancy symptoms. I was tired all the time, my boobs hurt, I had horrible stomach problems, but no vomiting or nausea. I felt stretching in my lower abdomen as usual and I thought everything was going great. On Christmas Day we told Derek's mom and brother. She cried! I a pregnancy test in box and said, "Your gift is on back order until August 2017." I was around 6 weeks pregnant.
I told my grandma and aunt not too long after because my grandma was not feeling too well so I thought maybe that would cheer her up and lift her spirits. They were so happy for me and excited! I was the first girl to have a baby in my family.
Then we get to January. Everyone in my group started to get their ultrasounds done. Seeing these images of babies inside their body was so awe inspiring and I would look down at my stomach and say "wow that is inside me too!" People kept commenting what their symptoms were and I would try to follow along, however mine were not quite up to speed. My symptoms started lessening and it scared me. I thought something was wrong but everyone assured me it's because the placenta was taking all the hormones on and not my body. I wanted an ultrasound so badly just to ease my mind but I had to wait until January 9th. So I changed my appointment to Friday January 6th. Within all of this time I went to the dollar store and would pick up 5 pregnancy tests at a time. When I didn't feel pregnant, I would take a test and there was that positive line again and again! Even in the middle of the day!
On January 6th I went to the doctor for my ultrasound. It was finally my day! It turned out to be an embarrassing day as the doctor I had went to didn't even do OBGYN! They lead me on to believe they were going to be my doctors! So nothing done that day. No urine sample, blood sample or ultrasound I ended up getting referred to OBGYN Specialists on Ygnacio. They were very nice and set me up with an appointment for Jan 16th. With an ultrasound for sure.
My mom came to visit January 7th for my uncle's wedding. When she got to my house, I told her the same way we told his mom. She was so shocked and excited! She has been bugging us to have a baby so I knew she would be so excited. We go to the wedding and my dad was going to be there so I decided to tell him too. He was super excited too saying he'd be called papa. He gave me a hug and I knew he would spoil the crap out of our little baby. He understood, however that nothing was to be confirmed until January 16th when I would get my ultrasound once and for all.
After the wedding we went to stay the night in Sacramento so we could see my brother, who couldn't go to the wedding. I had already not been feeling very many symptoms so it was very bothersome that I saw some blood when I went to the bathroom and wiped. I kept it to myself but I decided to keep an eye on it. When my mom left back to Montana she talked to my stomach and said "Please be good to your momma and go to full term and I can't wait to see you".
That Tuesday, January 10th, the day before my birthday, I decided to go to the Emergency Room to be checked out. I just didn't feel right overall and I was having some bleeding. I told the nurse I should be around 9 weeks if you go by my last period. They took some blood and had me leave a urine sample. I was taken to the ultrasound. The tech was not very talkative and very down to business. She was saying some very concerning comments, such as "Are you sure you didn't have a period in December? I'll show you the screen if there is anything to show you". When I was thinking of my friends in my FB group there should definitely be a lot to see on the screen. I was wreck waiting for the doctor to come in and tell me what is going on.
When he walked in he said well I see that you have a sac there and a fetal pole but no heartbeat to be seen. It looks like you are measuring 5 weeks. I had to interrupt him right then and there. No sir, I should be around 9 weeks as I know my last period and I know the exact dates we had intercourse. He said in that case I would have to get another blood sample taken to see how my levels have changed over a course of time. You see, HCG levels should double every 48 hours. That way we can see what is going on. I cried right away and was trying to apologize explaining this is my first pregnancy and I was just so excited but I'm not very hopeful this is going to work out.
I did not have to wait long. On January 14th at 1am, I dropped a very large clot. This was not the light bleeding I was having before. For the next 24 hours, I was wiping out 1-2 inch clots with dark red blood. On January 14th at around 8pm I started getting what felt like period cramps. After I would have a bad episode of cramps I would run to bathroom just to catch even bigger clots of blood. The best way to describe it, which is accurate, I was having labor contractions. My body was getting rid of my baby.
12:20am January 15th, 2017 I had the worst pain in my life rip through my stomach. I squeezed Derek's hand so hard as tears were coming down my face. I run to the bathroom and another stomach ripping pain and my baby fell into the toilet. I say baby because I truly believe that I had a baby. I did not have an embryo or cluster of cells. No this was my baby. This is gross but I reached down and grabbed it out of the toilet so that I could save it. It's the most natural reaction I thought to do. Not long after I stood up I had to sit back down because I felt something else coming out. It was my placenta sac. The sac that was giving the baby nutrients. I took that out too and I gently washed it. I put it into a plastic baggy and I put it in the box with my bajillon positive pregnancy tests. I want to bury it somewhere as I do not just want to toss it into the garbage. I need to bury my baby properly.
My pain was gone but I felt empty inside. I was so sad. It was heartbreaking to go out into the living room and tell Derek that it's done, The baby is gone.
I still had my appointment on Monday for my "first appointment! Yay" Not. It was now an appointment to tell my doctor that I had a miscarriage and that I need to confirm with an ultrasound. When what happened to me happens, your body tries it's best to get rid of everything. The doctor did the ultrasound and showed me that there was no more sac and embryo. The ultrasound said that there was still some tissue inside but she thought having a D&C would be overkill. She prescribed me a pill that would help the body expel whatever is left. I took it that night.
Here I am on January 18th, still bleeding. Still passing clots. Still trying to smile to the people I know who I never told I was pregnant that "yes I'm fine, I'm just a little tired".
Why did my body hold on to this fetus? Why did my body keep telling me I was pregnant for 4 weeks?
The doctor said I can try again after I have one cycle of my normal period. I am terrified to ever try again as I do not want to go through this again. I never want to feel this way again, I was so excited only now to feel empty inside and just terribly sad. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to have a baby.
So until then I decided to write out my experience to try and work though my feelings. I loved you baby De Smet. You are now my angel in heaven.
On December 6, 2016 I checked my calendar app and realized that it was around the time to start my woman's monthly horror. I have never really had regular periods so I was just thinking to myself, "What the heck. Let's just test for the fun of it". I had taken tests many times in my life as a joke. Oh my stomach hurts maybe I'm preggers! Most pregnancy tests have one line that will show up each time and if it is positive, there will be two. Each time I tested there would be no line next to the control line. I had been so used to seeing only one line that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I saw the most very faint line to the right of the control line. Um, what is that? So my palms start to sweat a little. Is this the real thing?
In November or so I had joined a FB group called "Two Weeks and Waiting" That refers to trying to conceive and waiting the two weeks for when your period starts, or doesn't, and you can take a pregnancy test. I posted the picture in the group and everyone agreed that I should test again in a few days. I had bought Dollar Store tests as one test from Walmart or anywhere else would cost upwards of $15! I did as they said and lo and behold: A positive pregnancy test. I even splurged on the $15 digital one and it had a YES+ on it. I have NEVER seen anything like that as I was always negative!
Time to tell Derek. "Hey Derek? Can you look at this please?" He was very shocked and excited as well. We have always planned on having a baby right away. We didn't want to tell anyone because it's superstitious to tell anyone if it's too early. So day by day we are just going on in life with our little secret. I am turning down drinks left and right and trying to take prenatals to help baby grow. We kept tossing names back and forth and teasing at the thought of what if we have twins! The only person I told was my best friend Briana. She was so excited and it was so nice to tell another person other than my husband.
I went to the doctor on December 10th. I gave a urine sample and the doctor confirmed that my urine said I was pregnant! They said to come back in a month because there is nothing they can really do at that time and we made an appointment for January 9th. I quickly downloaded all the pregnancy apps on my iphone to read everyday how my body was changing and see what my baby was looking like. Every morning I would look forward to opening my phone to I could read what was going on. I calculated that Jan 9, I would be around 9 weeks pregnant. Could you believe it?
I left the group of trying to conceive and joined a wonderful group called August Babies 2017. According to my last period, my baby would be due August 12th, 2017. Seeing all the ladies with positive tests was so inspiring and exciting! I was going to have a baby!
For the most part I was having the pregnancy symptoms. I was tired all the time, my boobs hurt, I had horrible stomach problems, but no vomiting or nausea. I felt stretching in my lower abdomen as usual and I thought everything was going great. On Christmas Day we told Derek's mom and brother. She cried! I a pregnancy test in box and said, "Your gift is on back order until August 2017." I was around 6 weeks pregnant.
I told my grandma and aunt not too long after because my grandma was not feeling too well so I thought maybe that would cheer her up and lift her spirits. They were so happy for me and excited! I was the first girl to have a baby in my family.
Then we get to January. Everyone in my group started to get their ultrasounds done. Seeing these images of babies inside their body was so awe inspiring and I would look down at my stomach and say "wow that is inside me too!" People kept commenting what their symptoms were and I would try to follow along, however mine were not quite up to speed. My symptoms started lessening and it scared me. I thought something was wrong but everyone assured me it's because the placenta was taking all the hormones on and not my body. I wanted an ultrasound so badly just to ease my mind but I had to wait until January 9th. So I changed my appointment to Friday January 6th. Within all of this time I went to the dollar store and would pick up 5 pregnancy tests at a time. When I didn't feel pregnant, I would take a test and there was that positive line again and again! Even in the middle of the day!
On January 6th I went to the doctor for my ultrasound. It was finally my day! It turned out to be an embarrassing day as the doctor I had went to didn't even do OBGYN! They lead me on to believe they were going to be my doctors! So nothing done that day. No urine sample, blood sample or ultrasound I ended up getting referred to OBGYN Specialists on Ygnacio. They were very nice and set me up with an appointment for Jan 16th. With an ultrasound for sure.
My mom came to visit January 7th for my uncle's wedding. When she got to my house, I told her the same way we told his mom. She was so shocked and excited! She has been bugging us to have a baby so I knew she would be so excited. We go to the wedding and my dad was going to be there so I decided to tell him too. He was super excited too saying he'd be called papa. He gave me a hug and I knew he would spoil the crap out of our little baby. He understood, however that nothing was to be confirmed until January 16th when I would get my ultrasound once and for all.
After the wedding we went to stay the night in Sacramento so we could see my brother, who couldn't go to the wedding. I had already not been feeling very many symptoms so it was very bothersome that I saw some blood when I went to the bathroom and wiped. I kept it to myself but I decided to keep an eye on it. When my mom left back to Montana she talked to my stomach and said "Please be good to your momma and go to full term and I can't wait to see you".
That Tuesday, January 10th, the day before my birthday, I decided to go to the Emergency Room to be checked out. I just didn't feel right overall and I was having some bleeding. I told the nurse I should be around 9 weeks if you go by my last period. They took some blood and had me leave a urine sample. I was taken to the ultrasound. The tech was not very talkative and very down to business. She was saying some very concerning comments, such as "Are you sure you didn't have a period in December? I'll show you the screen if there is anything to show you". When I was thinking of my friends in my FB group there should definitely be a lot to see on the screen. I was wreck waiting for the doctor to come in and tell me what is going on.
When he walked in he said well I see that you have a sac there and a fetal pole but no heartbeat to be seen. It looks like you are measuring 5 weeks. I had to interrupt him right then and there. No sir, I should be around 9 weeks as I know my last period and I know the exact dates we had intercourse. He said in that case I would have to get another blood sample taken to see how my levels have changed over a course of time. You see, HCG levels should double every 48 hours. That way we can see what is going on. I cried right away and was trying to apologize explaining this is my first pregnancy and I was just so excited but I'm not very hopeful this is going to work out.
I did not have to wait long. On January 14th at 1am, I dropped a very large clot. This was not the light bleeding I was having before. For the next 24 hours, I was wiping out 1-2 inch clots with dark red blood. On January 14th at around 8pm I started getting what felt like period cramps. After I would have a bad episode of cramps I would run to bathroom just to catch even bigger clots of blood. The best way to describe it, which is accurate, I was having labor contractions. My body was getting rid of my baby.
12:20am January 15th, 2017 I had the worst pain in my life rip through my stomach. I squeezed Derek's hand so hard as tears were coming down my face. I run to the bathroom and another stomach ripping pain and my baby fell into the toilet. I say baby because I truly believe that I had a baby. I did not have an embryo or cluster of cells. No this was my baby. This is gross but I reached down and grabbed it out of the toilet so that I could save it. It's the most natural reaction I thought to do. Not long after I stood up I had to sit back down because I felt something else coming out. It was my placenta sac. The sac that was giving the baby nutrients. I took that out too and I gently washed it. I put it into a plastic baggy and I put it in the box with my bajillon positive pregnancy tests. I want to bury it somewhere as I do not just want to toss it into the garbage. I need to bury my baby properly.
My pain was gone but I felt empty inside. I was so sad. It was heartbreaking to go out into the living room and tell Derek that it's done, The baby is gone.
I still had my appointment on Monday for my "first appointment! Yay" Not. It was now an appointment to tell my doctor that I had a miscarriage and that I need to confirm with an ultrasound. When what happened to me happens, your body tries it's best to get rid of everything. The doctor did the ultrasound and showed me that there was no more sac and embryo. The ultrasound said that there was still some tissue inside but she thought having a D&C would be overkill. She prescribed me a pill that would help the body expel whatever is left. I took it that night.
Here I am on January 18th, still bleeding. Still passing clots. Still trying to smile to the people I know who I never told I was pregnant that "yes I'm fine, I'm just a little tired".
Why did my body hold on to this fetus? Why did my body keep telling me I was pregnant for 4 weeks?
The doctor said I can try again after I have one cycle of my normal period. I am terrified to ever try again as I do not want to go through this again. I never want to feel this way again, I was so excited only now to feel empty inside and just terribly sad. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to have a baby.
So until then I decided to write out my experience to try and work though my feelings. I loved you baby De Smet. You are now my angel in heaven.
Friday, November 25, 2016
Hello again #1672937
Hi again Blogger.
Let's try this again and maybe I can continue this. I want to try and use this for a diary of sorts or maybe just something to pass my time.
My current favorite song is Clementine by Sarah Jaffe. I can't get it out of my head. This song builds up to this climax that leaves you empty at the end. Like she says, "All that time, wasted". Those are deep words. The whole song is deep seriously! I will post the lyrics below.
Let's try this again and maybe I can continue this. I want to try and use this for a diary of sorts or maybe just something to pass my time.
My current favorite song is Clementine by Sarah Jaffe. I can't get it out of my head. This song builds up to this climax that leaves you empty at the end. Like she says, "All that time, wasted". Those are deep words. The whole song is deep seriously! I will post the lyrics below.
Fifty states
Fifty lines
Fifty crying all the time's
Fifty boys
Fifty lies
Fifty "I'm gonna change my minds'"
I changed my mind
I changed my mind
Now I feel indifferent
We were young
We were young
We were young we didn't care
Is it gone
Is it gone
Is it floating in the air?
I changed my mind
I changed my mind
Now I feel indifferent
All that time, wasted
I wish I was a little more delicate
I wish my
I wish my
I wish my
I wish my
I wish my name was Clementine
I just can't with these lyrics. They kill me. I feel like I associate with it too much. The only thing I don't is with the 50 boys or 50 states. But maybe I'll take the word state as state of mind or something like that and then it would be true.
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