It's been a long, long time

Hi there Blogger,

It's me Marlena

31 weeks pregnant! So much has happened since I've last checked in. Watching Jane the Virgin has inspired me to write so here I am.

Well, I'm due January 1, 2018. I'm having a baby boy named Carter Moore De Smet. His middle name is after Andrew and Jeremy. Jeremy isn't doing too well with his health so we wanted to make sure we will always remember Derek's dear friends.

So where do I start? I'm so happy and grateful to be pregnant! He kicks me and rolls around in there so much. I just cry sometimes because I feel so lucky after what happened to me. So obstacles: I was extremely nauseous for 18.5 weeks! Everyone would say oh wait until your 2nd trimester you'll feel better..Um I've been in my 2nd trimester for 6 weeks already lol. So I visited my mom in July and I felt so bad because we went out for food  a lot and I hardly ate. NOTHING would sound good, and when I did find something I would only eat 2-3 bites then feel sick.

Our house flooded Aug 25, 2017 (well the bathroom/room/hallway) our toilet overflowed and water went everywhere. We had 6 fans and 2 dehumidifiers to try and dry everything. Took 2 weeks to dry and it sent me to the hospital for dehydration and a blocked kidney! My first time in an ambulance and my first overnight stay in a hospital. I had to stay 2 nights. A month later the kidney stone came out. Thank goodness! So 2 months later Oct 23, 2017 we have new laminate hardwood floors and carpet yay!

Then now I get back eating. I can eat again but here comes the 25 week glucose test. I fail. I have Gestational Diabetes. I can't believe it! Now I have to limit my food again.

It's so stupid so please bear with me as you read all the stupidity below.

I knew Gestational Diabetes was going to be hard. I joked and joked with everyone around about how I'm sad I can't eat my carbs anymore. Little did I know that it would trigger my eating disorder again. I had been doing fine for a long time! You know I struggled for a second with the wedding when I was trying on dresses but I got over it and I was able to continue my life. I felt great in my dress and I was happy with how my body was looking. I knew that's how I was going to be and I wasn't 18 anymore.

Having GD is forcing me back into my old habits of counting carbs/calories/proteins/etc and reading all the nutrition labels. The kicker of it all is I have not gained ONE POUND since I've become pregnant. I was already 3-4 pounds below my pre pregnancy weight and then to be diagnosed with this, I'm losing even more. In one week from my first class I lost 3 pounds more. I'm becoming obsessed with losing weight again, and yelling at people when they suggest eating something that is "not suitable" in my mind. My doctors say Carter is still growing but I'm feeling terrible that I'm not giving him enough food. I'm already feeling like a horrible mom. I think it's lame that other pregnant people have gained like 60 pounds! Here I am already losing weight and then they are saying I'm too overweight.

So then guess what happened? I binged twice during my week and I wrote it all down in my food journal that I had to turn into the nurse like a confession. I felt so horrible and ashamed and even cried when we went over my numbers. This lady who I don't even know suggested I see a therapist at some point in my life (which isn't a bad idea) because she sees how much food affects me. I now have to go back in 2 weeks to check back in with her to see how I'm doing. It's so stupid but one trigger out of many is from Private Eyes and that stupid Biggest Loser challenge. When I lost by less than a percent of weight loss, my brain has been in a never ending cycle of "I'm going to fail so I better quicken the process". I am a self sabotager. She noticed that in me.

I am the poster child of "You look too fat to have an eating disorder". I have an eating disorder and it's back with a vengeance and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm terrified to eat right now. I'm terrified of my numbers being too high on my sugar tests. I'm terrified of writing down what I eat. I'm terrified of losing weight because I know it's bad for Carter but I'm terrified of gaining weight because I'm already fat as it is.

I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm going through. and no one has to pretend. Just know I'm really stressed out and depressed right now and it's hard to get out of bed. I literally want to sleep all day so that I don't have to face food and make the decision to eat or don't eat.

 

So yeah there's that. I'm also anemic. So much is wrong with me but Carter is doing well thank goodness.  I have a feeling I'll be induced but I'm kind of looking forward to it since I'll know the exact date and everything. My mom is going to come and stay with us for 2 weeks. It will be so nice and helpful. 

I'm nervous to be a mom but I think I can do it. I worry a lot about PPD but I think I can get through it. I HOPE!

Until next time...maybe I'll introduce Carter next time I check in!