This one is very hard to write as I am still in the middle of it.

On December 6, 2016 I checked my calendar app and realized that it was around the time to start my woman's monthly horror. I have never really had regular periods so I was just thinking to myself, "What the heck. Let's just test for the fun of it". I had taken tests many times in my life as a joke. Oh my stomach hurts maybe I'm preggers! Most pregnancy tests have one line that will show up each time and if it is positive, there will be two. Each time I tested there would be no line next to the control line. I had been so used to seeing only one line that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I saw the most very faint line to the right of the control line. Um, what is that? So my palms start to sweat a little. Is this the real thing?

In November or so I had joined a FB group called "Two Weeks and Waiting" That refers to trying to conceive and waiting the two weeks for when your period starts, or doesn't, and you can take a pregnancy test. I posted the picture in the group and everyone agreed that I should test again in a few days. I had bought Dollar Store tests as one test from Walmart or anywhere else would cost upwards of $15! I did as they said and lo and behold: A positive pregnancy test. I even splurged on the $15 digital one and it had a YES+ on it. I have NEVER seen anything like that as I was always negative!

Time to tell Derek. "Hey Derek? Can you look at this please?" He was very shocked and excited as well. We have always planned on having a baby right away. We didn't want to tell anyone because it's superstitious to tell anyone if it's too early. So day by day we are just going on in life with our little secret. I am turning down drinks left and right and trying to take prenatals to help baby grow. We kept tossing names back and forth and teasing at the thought of what if we have twins! The only person I told was my best friend Briana. She was so excited and it was so nice to tell another person other than my husband.

I went to the doctor on December 10th. I gave a urine sample and the doctor confirmed that my urine said I was pregnant! They said to come back in a month because there is nothing they can really do at that time and we made an appointment for January 9th. I quickly downloaded all the pregnancy apps on my iphone to read everyday how my body was changing and see what my baby was looking like. Every morning I would look forward to opening my phone to I could read what was going on. I calculated that Jan 9, I would be around 9 weeks pregnant. Could you believe it?

I left the group of trying to conceive and joined a wonderful group called August Babies 2017. According to my last period, my baby would be due August 12th, 2017. Seeing all the ladies with positive tests was so inspiring and exciting! I was going to have a baby!

For the most part I was having the pregnancy symptoms. I was tired all the time, my boobs hurt, I had horrible stomach problems, but no vomiting or nausea. I felt stretching in my lower abdomen as usual and I thought everything was going great. On Christmas Day we told Derek's mom and brother. She cried! I a pregnancy test in box and said, "Your gift is on back order until August 2017." I was around 6 weeks pregnant.

I told my grandma and aunt not too long after because my grandma was not feeling too well so I thought maybe that would cheer her up and lift her spirits. They were so happy for me and excited! I was the first girl to have a baby in my family.

Then we get to January. Everyone in my group started to get their ultrasounds done. Seeing these images of babies inside their body was so awe inspiring and I would look down at my stomach and say "wow that is inside me too!" People kept commenting what their symptoms were and I would try to follow along, however mine were not quite up to speed. My symptoms started lessening and it scared me. I thought something was wrong but everyone assured me it's because the placenta was taking all the hormones on and not my body. I wanted an ultrasound so badly just to ease my mind but I had to wait until January 9th. So I changed my appointment to Friday January 6th. Within all of this time I went to the dollar store and would pick up 5 pregnancy tests at a time. When I didn't feel pregnant, I would take a test and there was that positive line again and again! Even in the middle of the day!

On January 6th I went to the doctor for my ultrasound. It was finally my day! It turned out to be an embarrassing day as the doctor I had went to didn't even do OBGYN! They lead me on to believe they were going to be my doctors! So nothing done that day. No urine sample, blood sample or ultrasound I ended up getting referred to OBGYN Specialists on Ygnacio. They were very nice and set me up with an appointment for Jan 16th. With an ultrasound for sure.

My mom came to visit January 7th for my uncle's wedding. When she got to my house, I told her the same way we told his mom. She was so shocked and excited! She has been bugging us to have a baby so I knew she would be so excited. We go to the wedding and my dad was going to be there so I decided to tell him too. He was super excited too saying he'd be called papa. He gave me a hug and I knew he would spoil the crap out of our little baby. He understood, however that nothing was to be confirmed until January 16th when I would get my ultrasound once and for all.

After the wedding we went to stay the night in Sacramento so we could see my brother, who couldn't go to the wedding. I had already not been feeling very many symptoms so it was very bothersome that I saw some blood when I went to the bathroom and wiped. I kept it to myself but I decided to keep an eye on it. When my mom left back to Montana she talked to my stomach and said "Please be good to your momma and go to full term and I can't wait to see you".

That Tuesday, January 10th, the day before my birthday, I decided to go to the Emergency Room to be checked out. I just didn't feel right overall and I was having some bleeding. I told the nurse I should be around 9 weeks if you go by my last period. They took some blood and had me leave a urine sample. I was taken to the ultrasound. The tech was not very talkative and very down to business. She was saying some very concerning comments, such as "Are you sure you didn't have a period in December? I'll show you the screen if there is anything to show you". When I was thinking of my friends in my FB group there should definitely be a lot to see on the screen. I was wreck waiting for the doctor to come in and tell me what is going on.

When he walked in he said well I see that you have a sac there and a fetal pole but no heartbeat to be seen. It looks like you are measuring 5 weeks. I had to interrupt him right then and there. No sir, I should be around 9 weeks as I know my last period and I know the exact dates we had intercourse. He said in that case I would have to get another blood sample taken to see how my levels have changed over a course of time. You see, HCG levels should double every 48 hours. That way we can see what is going on. I cried right away and was trying to apologize explaining this is my first pregnancy and I was just so excited but I'm not very hopeful this is going to work out.

I did not have to wait long. On January 14th at 1am, I dropped a very large clot. This was not the light bleeding I was having before. For the next 24 hours, I was wiping out 1-2 inch clots with dark red blood. On January 14th at around 8pm I started getting what felt like period cramps. After I would have a bad episode of cramps I would run to bathroom just to catch even bigger clots of blood. The best way to describe it, which is accurate, I was having labor contractions. My body was getting rid of my baby.

12:20am January 15th, 2017 I had the worst pain in my life rip through my stomach. I squeezed Derek's hand so hard as tears were coming down my face. I run to the bathroom and another stomach ripping pain and my baby fell into the toilet. I say baby because I truly believe that I had a baby. I did not have an embryo or cluster of cells. No this was my baby. This is gross but I reached down and grabbed it out of the toilet so that I could save it. It's the most natural reaction I thought to do. Not long after I stood up I had to sit back down because I felt something else coming out. It was my placenta sac. The sac that was giving the baby nutrients. I took that out too and I gently washed it. I put it into a plastic baggy and I put it in the box with my bajillon positive pregnancy tests. I want to bury it somewhere as I do not just want to toss it into the garbage. I need to bury my baby properly.

My pain was gone but I felt empty inside. I was so sad. It was heartbreaking to go out into the living room and tell Derek that it's done, The baby is gone.

I still had my appointment on Monday for my "first appointment! Yay" Not. It was now an appointment to tell my doctor that I had a miscarriage and that I need to confirm with an ultrasound. When what happened to me happens, your body tries it's best to get rid of everything. The doctor did the ultrasound and showed me that there was no more sac and embryo. The ultrasound said that there was still some tissue inside but she thought having a D&C would be overkill. She prescribed me a pill that would help the body expel whatever is left. I took it that night.

Here I am on January 18th, still bleeding. Still passing clots. Still trying to smile to the people I know who I never told I was pregnant that "yes I'm fine, I'm just a little tired".

Why did my body hold on to this fetus? Why did my body keep telling me I was pregnant for 4 weeks?

The doctor said I can try again after I have one cycle of my normal period. I am terrified to ever try again as I do not want to go through this again. I never want to feel this way again, I was so excited only now to feel empty inside and just terribly sad. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to have a baby.

So until then I decided to write out my experience to try and work though my feelings. I loved you baby De Smet. You are now my angel in heaven.